Not Sure How To Do This?

[xenaprincess]

Well, I am sure some of you may be surprised, as I have kept this all very private, but I am leaving my DH. Not sure when, but it will happen soon. We have been together for 5yrs and we share a 4yr old daughter. I have 2 boys from a previous marriage...they are 17 & 12. They have had a hard time with my relationship with "John", as John came into their lives so quickly, they did not have time to prepare for this relationship mentally. Since, John has never been a stepfather to either of them. He does not respect them at all! The boys have tolerated John, for me, and respect him when they have to, but they don't like it! I am afraid my teenager and John may soon come to blows, as the tension is so thick! John practises split-parenting, and it is so obvious to everyone around us that Jessica is his favourite! He buys her special treats daily...but only her. His excuse is that she is younger! I KNOW that my 12yr old would love a bag of penny candies just as much as the 4yr old!!
Anyway, he tries to control me...what I wear, who I talk to, where I go (he does not want me going out anywhere unless he is with me!!). He tries to allienate us from our extended family, although they have all been supportive and helped us through some very rough times, as opposed to his own family, who has not spoken to in over 2yrs!! About 2 months ago, I started going to church with my mom and my 2 youngest kids. The kids really enjoy Sunday school and are having fun with the Youth group. DH HATES all of this!! He fights with me all weekend leading up to Sunday, just to ensure that I am miserable before I go out! Last week (Sunday) was the last straw for me. He made like he had a gun in his hand, pulled the trigger at my head, and said "today, you better pray to God"!!! He did this infront of my daughter!! My teenager has had enough. He says I can do better and that I deserve better. He is right. I have done nothing but think about the kids and how they have suffered through this crappy relationship and how it is affecting them daily!! My kids and myself have been seeing doctors and counsellors to help deal with our anxiety and stress. DH does not see any doctors or receive help or counselling anywhere. The way I see it is that he is messing us up so badly that we are seeing therapists whilst he goes on his merry way being the jerk that he is!!
Anyway, I will be leaving, I just don't know when. I have made arrangements for my boys to stay somewhere and I will take myself and my daughter to a shelter. The boys are too old to come to the shelter with us. I have to do it this way because DH will not leave. I have no choice. I have not stopped crying thinking about my fur-babies. I will attempt to get into housing for now, but they will only allow you to have 1 dog!! I just don't know what to do about that yet! I don't want to think about ever having to get rid of one of my fur-babies!! My head is a mess. I anticipate trouble from DH. He can be very cruel!! There are just sooo many things to think about. I truly look forward to a life on my own, without all this stress, so my kids and I can enjoy each other again!
Thanks for letting me get this out. Any advise or comments would be greatly appreciated. I am feeling like such a mess and a failure to my kids for allowing this to go on and thinking that I could change John. How wrong was that!!

[Austin's Mom]

Sharon I'm so very sorry for what you have gone thru and continue to go thru. I've seen stories on Oprah about this kind of abusive controling behavior. I hope you will just be gone one day when he comes home. I'm afraid of what might happen if you try to leave in front of him. If he's that mean and cruel PLEASE try to find someone or somewhere you can go and take your fur-babies. If I lived close to you I'd take them in a heartbeat until you got settled with your kids. Do you have any family you could stay with? Friends? Please stay safe and know you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. ((hugs))

[kelseighgirl]

First of all I am so sorry that you are going through such a rough and troubled time.
Second, dont you ever feel like a failure. If it didnt work out for you two than it didnt work. Not because you are a failure. You need to do what you have to, for your own health, safety and for your children...to me that isnt being a failure...that is being honest and true to yourself and your children.
If you are afraid that there is going to be trouble when you leave...I would either plan to leave while he is at work...meaning you have a plan. Make sure you can do everything you need to do and get before he comes home, or have a police officer there with you while you get your stuff.
I dont know if they have this in Canada..but can you get an exparte order against him. This would be a court ordered document and you could choice to stay in the house and have him removed.."legally" and you choice to have custody of your daughter until there is a hearing. If he comes around or contacts you he is in violiation of a court order to have no contact with you and could be arrested. This is how it is atleast where I am.
As far as your fur babies....is there anyone that you know and trust that could take them and "foster" them for awhile until you get your feet back on the ground??
Sharon, I know this is hard...But please, please please be very careful and try to be one or two steps ahead of this man...especially if you are afraid of him and what he is capable of doing. I hope the court system there can help you somehow.

Good luck and hang in there!!
Hugs!!!!

[Laurie_Duke]

Sharon...I have never gone through this, I have had friends that have, I have so much respect for you at this moment....you are taking your and your childrens lives into your own hands away from harm....that is in deed a true woman !!! I moved to Brampton 5 years ago with 3 children....made a life for myself and have never looked back....I wish this upon you.....I know that you are quite the distance away from me....but IF EVER you need a place to stay with the kids and dogs...please please let me know....even if I have to come get you I will.....I have the new house now and tons of room....I do not think I could sleep at nite knowing the you are in a shelter with the kids.

Take care sweetie....

Laurie

[Marybeth18]

Sharon,

I am so sorry that you have been going through this. I am not sure what I can do except offer you my support as you go through this ordeal. I am a divorced mother of 2. It's hard but splitting up with my husband was one of the best decisions I've ever made.
Is there anywhere else you can stay? With your Mom?
I'm sending you hugs and prayers!!!
Please remain strong and think everything through - let me know what I can do.

[marciafinn]

Oh Sharon this has been a rough year for you with your landlord, your son's ex and all the while this has been in the background. You are doing the right thing by leaving and getting yourself and your children out of this situation. Can your parents help out with Xena and Spirit until you can find a home to take them to? What about contacting a local rescue and asking if they know anyone who might be willing to help out with them? I know it is a little out of the norm, but maybe somebody there can help. Please keep us updated so we don't get worried. Be strong - we are here for you. (((hugs)))

[momstaxi]

Wow. That's alot to try to figure out. I really don't have any advice that hasn't already been said but I want you to know you will be in my thoughts and prayers. You are a brave person to do what you need to do for your kids and yourself. Good luck.
michele

[MizBev]

Sharon,

I am very sorry that you are going through all of this. My husband and I split up about a month ago and after all of the nervousness about being alone again settled down I realized that I had made the best choice for me and my son. I have the luxury of being able to stay in our home and keep my furbabies. I can't even imagine what you are going through and if I lived closer Xena and Spirit could come and stay with me. Stay strong and please stay safe and take care of yourself and your kids.

Bev

[Linda/NJ]

Oh Sharon, I am so sorry to hear what is going on. I wished I lived closer to you as well. First of all you are not a failure. Kudos to you for getting the courage to leave. You do not deserve to be in a horrible marriage like that. HE IS A JERK. You have to do what is best for you & your kids. I certainly hope a relative/friend can take in you, your little girl and the dogs. I will keep you in my thoughts & prayers. Take care.

[Cami]

Is there just no way of your getting rid of him and you and the children both skin and fur staying put in the house? It seems a lot simpler for him to find housing alone vs you and the rest of the gang. Of course I don't know the whole situation and I know laws differ but I had always heard that if you left children, housing etc...that it showed signs of abandonment. I am not suggesting that you stay and risk everyones safety.....just throwing in my 2 cents. I hope that this situation comes to a good end sooner rather than later for everyones sake.

[Austin's Mom]

Sharon I was wondering if you've spoken to an attorney. I know here in NJ if you have kids you get to stay in the house and he would have to leave. The State believes the kids need a home. Some attys. will do a free consultation, so you could at least find out what your options are.

[Evie&Adam]

I agree. You should go see an attorney. Many of the States have laws regarding your very issues and can help protect you and the kids, I would assume you guys have something similar. I think you are right in your decision- its a tough one to make and it takes a VERY strong person to make it. Im glad your sons are supportive as well. Please keep trying to find a safe place for your pups. Maybe someone on BW can help.

Please keep us posted so we know you guys are safe.

Lots of LUVS!!!!