Having a hard time coping....a lot of blabbering

[Cami]

It's been 14 weeks today since I lost Cami. I am having a very difficult time. The waterworks started about an hour ago. I just can't figure out how to get past feeling so emotionally raw. Every single little thing affects me so powerfully. It's almost as if I no longer have any type of buffer system in place for my sadness.

I think about her ALL DAY LONG. Everything I do I think about her not being here to share it with.

7 years ago this weekend, Memorial Day Weekend, we brought her home. An underweight nearly 9 week old 7 pound puppy.

We had her cousin and best friend in the whole world here with us this past weekend. She is also coming to stay again this weekend. It was nice to have a Boxer in the house again but it was also very hard. They were so alike. Not just normal Boxer-isms but they share a few family members in their line and had certain traits that were almost mirror images of each other.

To hear nails clicking on the floor, water being lapped from a bowl and the big heavy sighs were heartbreaking but music to my ears all at the same time.

I haven't walked in my neighborhood since the day after losing Cami when I took her collar and leash with me (and hubby) around the block in nearly 20 inches of snow. I took Sugar for a walk and I about had a nervous breakdown. I made it through and no one would have ever known how upset I was but it was really hard.

Hubby and I talk about her all the time. What she would be doing about all the wildlife that has now taken over the yard. How she would have loved to be outside in this intense heat (but we wouldn't let her stay out nearly as long as she would have liked).
How she did this and how she did that. What she would think about "such & such".

She was such a huge part of our lives and we just can't seem to figure out how to BE without her. I was really sick last week and I thought about how she would have taken care of me by being such a good girl and not too terribly demanding. She was so in tune with me and anytime I was ever sick she would just get a bone or a toy and entertain herself.

So many things are running through my mind all the time.
I haven't eaten this since Cami was alive.
I haven't watched this show since Cami was alive.
I haven't talked to this person since Cami was alive.
I haven't done this since Cami was alive......
Now everything is being done WITHOUT HER.

I'm bored beyond belief. I feel anxious all the time. I feel like everything is spinning around me and I can't make it stop. I have no desire to do anything "social". I work, I come home and I take care of the house (and kitty too). And that is it. How can one be bored yet have no desire to do anything? Isn't that an oxymoron?

Having spent the last nearly 7 years taking care of her, training her, walking her, playing with her, researching all of her various health issues, taking her to vet appointments, shopping for her.....now nothing. Everything stopped but my body's need to continue and my minds realization that those things won't be needing to be done any longer.

It might sound weird but she was my hobby. I so thoroughly enjoyed being with her. So many people like to play golf, garden, read books, go on hikes, etc....I wanted nothing more than to spend time with her AND DID.

Working with animals all day, every day is a dream come true job and I love it however it doesn't fill the void that is left by her absence.

I'm really REALLY tired of being so sad all the time. I function and hide it well but my heart continues to break each day that I wake up and she isn't here.....each night when I go through my routine of kissing the wood box containing her ashes, telling her multiple pictures good night, touching the plaster impression of her paw print and finally touching the first toy she ever played with and the last.

I know the only antidote for loss is time and that eventually *someday* being without her will be "easier" but for now it just remains such a constant ache.

What I wouldn't give for more TIME with her.
Hug your babies a little tighter tonight. Don't wait till they wake up or come inside. Don't wait till you get off the computer. Don't wait till you finish doing whatever you think might need done. JUST GO AND DO IT. Relish every single moment you can share with them. Figure out a way to make MORE time to spend with them. Tell them every single day, multiple times just how very special they are to you. Make sure they remain happy and safe. But most importantly enjoy the love they give unconditionally.

[samsons]

Susie ,

i know i have no mere words that can comfort you right now ... Just know that you and Camie are always foremost in my thoughts and i know how you are feeling right now. As much as my heart breaks and the tears flow , I am always drawn to your posts and words of wisdom. Your story's of cami keep her alive in our thoughts and imaginations ... even though we have never met i feel her spirit , strength and joy of life ~

Just keep her spirit alive and enjoy the life she loved so much sharing with you.

run free sweet girl and send kisses to ur mom right now !


( i know ur not ready ~ but the biggest thing that helped me was the kids giving me sam ~ he needed me more then i needed him. he really brought me out of the "state of shock " i was in )

just keep a open mind ... Camie will send you ur next baby .. just keep ur eyes & heart open !

sending ((((((((((( healing huggs )))))))))))))))))))

[djheitz]

Oh, Susi. I feel for you... None of us can take away your pain, but maybe we can help put you back on track.

Although you may not be ready to welcome another boxer into your family, please think about fostering. There are so many dogs out there right now that would blossom under your care and really need help. Find a dog...any dog...and put your energies into making the world a better place for that dog and the family that eventually adopts it.

Find some way to 'make a difference'. Whether it's volunteering for a rescue or taking on another type of challenge (Make a Wish, Big Sisters, etc). You could even look into talking to schools about the proper way to care for pets. Whatever you do, do it in Cami's name. Celebrate her memory by doing something positive within your community.

Think about the one thing you always wanted to do when you were growing up (piano? unicycle? juggle?) and do it. The most important thing is to keep your brain challenged with something new - keep it busy.

I'm sure there will be other suggestions, but don't be afraid to talk to a therapist if you need to. The death of a loved one who filled so much of your time isn't easy no matter what the species.

Hugs and more hugs -

[Sansal]

I feel for you, Susi. My dogs are my hobby, too and I wouldn't know what to do without them. Some of my best friends are dog owners, too so even when I got out to socialize it is often with the dogs or at least we are talking about the dogs.....I just went to give Happy and Sky a hug...... Sky looked up and wiggled her little nub but Happy was too busy eating her bully stick
I like djheizt idea.... maybe fostering a dog could take some of that pain away and you could save a life at the same time. No dog will ever be like Cami but maybe it would help you to share some of that love you have for Cami with another dog.

Take care.

[LILYLARUE]

Susi, my heart goes out to you. Cami was so special to so many people. As you shared her stories over the years, many of us felt she was like a cousin who moved out of town. She was quite a DOG!

When I lost my Mom 3 years ago, I was in the same mental state as you. No therapy, no support from friends or family could break my cycle of depression. That is until I got Lily. She was the one thing I could feel "normal" with. She took over my time and my boredom. She became my everything. I went through my own fight with cancer and she was right there by my side. Even as a puppy, she knew I was in pain, emotionally and physically and loved me anyway. Then I got Buster. He was so much work, even more emotionally messed up than me, so I knew I could utilize his issues as my new passion. Within a year, Bella came, more so for the rehab of Lily. But she became such a beautiful addition to my recovery. Within a year and a half, I had to make the decision to put her down (brain tumor). That sent me right back into my hole.

6 months later (1 month ago) I ran into a lady at a store. We got to talking and she was into fostering. Well, that was just what I needed. So within a week, I was approved with a rescue and received my first foster. He was a staffy just like Bella. He too was so much like her, I thought she was reincarnated!

To make my story shorter, I do my foster work in Bella's honor. She is why I take on the pits. The reward has gotten me out of my hole. I am seeing the sunshine! I am seeing people again, first time out to a social event was a month ago. I have started a diet and lost 40 lbs. My mind is clear again. I have goals. I have dreams. I have a purpose again. 3 years was a long time to live in darkness. Now, I feel I needed that time.........time to grieve for my Mom, myself, and then for Bella.

I wanted to share this with you so you know you have hope. I went from wanted to end my misery to wanting to end other's. The redirection of my grief went from myself to helping dogs who are worse off emotionally than me. They certainly needed it more than I. Well, atleast thought that way so I could stop concentrating on my own.

Life is so hard. One suggestion is if you have a hospice in your area. They have grief support meetings. Even local places have them. If you have a need to share, these would be great venues to do it. Grief is grief, no matter what the source. You will learn coping skills and ways to recover from those down times.

It may seem you are deep in a hole of dispair..........my climb out was helped by three very incredible beings......my dogs. They dangled thier leashes down the hole I was trapped in and pulled me out. When I got to the top.....their enormous willing to make me happy was my medicine. Their kisses every day wipe away the external sorrow. Slowly the internal is easing. There will always be remnants, but they are fewer and fewer.

I only hope that your grieving will dwindle, the memories of Cami will always be there. But just maybe, another being who needs your support and compassion will help you to go through this with purpose. Fostering is a great way to find that being, atleast it was for me.

[johann]

I'm so sorry that you are having such a hard time Susi. It sounds like grief counseling would be a very good thing for you, it would give you time to talk thru all of your feelings and come up with some positive coping mechanisms. Not having any interest in life, feeling anxious, and feeling completely devastated all the time are signs of a pretty major depression. There is obviously a reason for it, but maybe some medication or therapy would help you get past the sadness so that you can remember the good Cami memories. Please get help with getting thru the grief and loss.


Maybe getting a new dog would help you heal. Not to try to replace Cami, because she is irreplaceable. But it could give you something to focus on and work on.

[Althea]

I don't have anything helpful to add - I agree with all of the above. Putting your energy into something else will help numb the grief. It's the only way to get through it, for me.

But I do understand the grief that hangs on forever it seems. I still find myself crying over Cairo, looking at her photo, and thinking of her. Nearly every day, I pass the hospital where I rushed her before she died, and I can barely look at it. It just...shouldn't have happened that way. But then I have to remind myself that she was loved as much as any dog could be, and I did the right thing by her in the end, no matter how hard it was. And I go, and snuggle my Suki, and tell Cai how much she is missed, and tell Suki about her big sister...and that's how I get through each day. ((hugs))

[boksir]

I am so sad for you and touched by how deeply you love your Cami...My Cooper has been gone for just over two years now and can only just now get another one... everyone feels, lives, and manifests their grief in their own personal way.. the thing is you are not alone in it... Cooper was cremated and I can't even bring myself to bury him.. so in his cedar box he is on the kitchen shelf.. might seem odd.. but it works for me... our boxers are our family and you have lost a family member so dependent on you and at the same time so giving that I am sure it just takes your breath away... the only thing that us humans have not been able to conquer or manipulate is time... and this is for a very good reason... time heals all wounds... time decides when things will be okay... you cannot slow it down or speed it up... but have the faith in it that it will help carry you through this deep sorrow.

I am picking up my new little boy this weekend and I am nervous for so many reasons.. a new puppy and all that they bring, but also because I little part of me is nervous that I am not over Cooper's sudden death yet and I don't want that to put a shadow over my new little boy... I am a rational thinking adult.. but I couldn't replace my kids so how can I have another baby boy?? I know that is not what I am doing.. I just want to make the point to you that we all love them to bits and think our thoughts no matter what... you will keep Cami with you and in time you will feel that love just the same but without the hurt and sorrow.

Take Care
Gillian

[Cami]

Thanks to all of you who have shared your own stories with me and for the words of advice and comfort.

This week has been a bad one. I faced the 30 year anniversary of losing my mom. I was 12 when she died. Factor in Cami's loss so recently, trying to get over being sick, having a Boxer in the house temporarily, swamped with business and soon to lose an employee and I think I am just a bit worn down.

I have been involved with Boxer rescue for about 5 years now. One of my stipulations going in was that I would be much more efficient if I didn't foster. I know my limitations and that I am an attachment junkie. I would end up with a house full of Boxers that I would never be able to part with. So the director agreed that I would never be asked to foster. I do everything else involved and have had dogs here short term (hours) but even that has been a very difficult thing for me. The less I have to worry about at home helps me to better be able to work at rescuing/placing. With all of Cami's issues through the years I know that I made the right choice.

While I have been severely affected by her loss I am not clinically depressed. I am also unable to take most types of medications due to chemical sensitivities so even if a diagnosis was made and meds an obvious choice I wouldn't be able to take them. I've been in this deep dark state before after losing other pets in the past and know that I will make it through in time.

It does help to write out my feelings far better than chatting with a stranger. I find writing enables me to have an outlet that is very beneficial to me and therapeutic at the same time. I have always been better able to express things with written words much easier than spoken ones.

I have started to allow myself to think about a new addition to the family. I know myself and realize that I need that type of focus in my life. I could have a new Boxer in the house tomorrow via rescue if I was ready. DH and I have gone back and forth between adopting an older dog or finding a puppy. We are both leaning towards a puppy for multiple reasons much of which can't be explained. I will say that its a personal decision based on years of dealing with a sick girl. It is so incredibly wearing to be a good caregiver. There are no guarantees in life however if things are done right I would hope that at least a break from illness and all that it entails might be achieved by going that route.

We need to get through the summer and see what life offers us.

[Althea]

Susi -- what you say makes sense. If you've been here before (as have I -- fellow depression smacker-downer), you know there is light at the other end of the tunnel. Just hang onto that. And so glad to hear that you are thinking about a new addition to the family. I LOVE rescue and will definitely rescue my next boxer...but puppies are special. And Lord knows, you don't have time to think about much else when you are chasing them down to stop a pee or the destruction of your beloved shoes! I hope you feel a lift from this dark place soon. You have faced a lot of loss, and you certainly deserve some peace. Here's praying you find some.

[RoxiesEcho]

Susi, my heart just breaks for you. Everyone of us has been right there with you to some degree and we understand that the loss of Cami has deeply affected you and your husband. We all have different ways of dealing with our losses and each of us come out of our funk in different times & ways. I know that it has been 4 years since we lost our beautiful Roxie and a picture of her standing in her wading pool is still the wallpaper on our home computer. I feel like if I change to something else, even a picture of Bella, that Roxie will truly be gone forever.

You and Cami were soul mates. She wouldn't want you to dwell on the sadness of her passing but would want you to rejoice in the memories of your time together. There will never be another Cami in your life but someday another 4 legged will find their way into your hearts and Cami will look down on you with her nub just wiggling in happiness for you.

Bella and I are sending you hugs and smushy boxer kisses.

[caruse]

Oh, Susi, with tears in m eye... my heart breaks for you
I think we all can put ourselves in your place and we all personalize the fact that we too will have to face this at some time....
I walked my two today and met a women who said about my boxers.."they are like people in a dogs body" how well put.. and so much why we mourn them as true family members..I do believe you are going through normal grief and have such good insight to your own feelings and limitations that you will be fine and talking about it helps so much.. time will pass and you will know when to take that leap to welcoming a new member to your family until then we need you too as a boxer member as you contribute so much to us all..please update us, read our posts as we will yours and be well...
Barbara