We've reached the anger stage of grieving

djheitz · #1 06-03-2009, 07:07 PM

For those that remember me writing about our family last summer, I wanted to let you know we're all hanging in there. We're just about at the one year anniversary of having the nephews live with us full-time.

The boys are generally doing well (now 13 and 9), but the oldest has finally reached the anger stage of grieving for his Mom. It doesn't help much that he's also hit the terrible teen years as well. He's been in a group for kids who have lost a loved one at school, which has helped some, and we're going to continue over the summer as well. He can be polite and happy one minute and in the next just fires off one smarta$$ comment after another. He can play with his brother in the back yard for an hour and then all I hear is him tormenting the other until they are either fighting or the younger is crying.

The younger one is pretty much attached to DH's pant leg at all times and can get a little panicky if he's unsure of exactly what is going to happen next...leading to repetitive questions about when baseball practice is, who's going to drop him off, is anyone staying there, who's picking him up, what's for dinner, are we doing anything tomorrow night, etc. He's a cute little kid, everyone adores him, but he was suspended from school in April for threatening to *cough* make it physically impossible for one of his classmates to ever father children.

Their sister has not moved in, but calls and visits them often. The boys have had no contact with their father at all since my SIL's funeral. He has not even tried to get in touch with us, but does call my niece once in a while.

I'm trying very hard to be patient and understanding, but sometimes I just want to scream. Or hide under my bed for the next 10 years. I know it will get better with time, but would really like to get to the better part sooner than later.

The good news is that my SIL's house is under contract and settlement will be later this month. Our old house, on the other hand, is still on the market.

Here's the thread from the beginning of our journey-
Starting over...

Cami · #2 06-03-2009, 08:35 PM

My mother passed when I was 12. I still had my dad but looking back now I was full of RAGE. I can't even being to imagine NOT having had my dad around in addition to losing my mom. It must be extremely rough, especially for boys.

I remember a friend that I grew up with comment to me once about a year or so after her mother was needlessly murdered (we were in our 20's at that time). She said, and I quote, "I always thought you had a chip on your shoulder after your mother died. Instead now after having lost my own I can see that it wasn't a chip but instead a large protective covering you applied that helped you cope in some fashion".

For about 4 years (or pretty much all of high school), I just got by however I could. I don't even remember that much of high school and am very sad about that. Something I experienced isn't even in my memory banks now because I was doing all I could just to recover mentally.

I know it must be extremely trying for you and your husband to not only experience the loss yourselves but to have life throw you a HUGE curve ball with now being responsible for two children. It is something that I don't believe I could do.

Do your best to support him and keep him safe but also know that this is something that he needs to work through on his own. Guidance and a shoulder that offers support is all he really needs. Being angry isn't a crime and sometimes that is all that we can hold onto. Frustrating as hell I am sure (for you and dh) but as with most challenges in life, this too shall pass.

I just celebrated the anniversary of my mom's death at the end of May. I say celebrate because I have survived for the past 28 years so many things that I wish she could have shared with me. I am still here and probably a better person because of that survival. I still miss the heck out of her and what type of a relationship we might have had but the time I did have with her was priceless.

Your nephews will make it through this. Bumps in the road that feel more like craters are bound to present themselves but we are never given anything more than we can handle.

My best to all of you.

Widges · #3 06-03-2009, 11:34 PM

Hi, I have no advice or personal experience to offer you some insight. Just wanted to let you know that my 11 year old is exactly the same with the smart comments and fighting with her brother - I am just putting it down to hormones racing around her body!! Hang in there.

SweetCody · #4 06-04-2009, 09:50 AM

Sending many a vibe and a prayer to you and your large family. You will get through this all with the love and understanding that you obviously have an abundance of. )))))HUGS(((( to you today.

djheitz · #5 06-19-2009, 06:51 PM

We almost made it to the end of the school year with no additional incidents. Almost...

We received a call from the middle school last week telling us that TJ (the 13 year old) had used a classmate's cell phone to take a picture of his (male) teacher's groin area, then passed the phone around, much to the enjoyment of the rest of the class. He served a one day in-school suspension and we made him wriet a letter of apology to the teacher. His only explanation was that he thought it was funny. School let out two days ago, so we should be free from teacher calls until September.

Settlement on my SIL's house was today, so that's one big step. We can now settle the estate and be done with that responsibility. As much as we donated (clothing, furniture, kitchen items) or sent out with the trash, our garage is still full of stuff we need to sort through. Tubs of pictures, things the kids said were 'special', holday decorations, and much more. We plan on breaking it down into a group for each of the three siblings, then we'll box it and store it until they have homes of their own. Luckily, we have a very large attic.

Eric's baseball team plays for the championship on Sunday. Then summer can officially begin!

sargboxerluv · #6 06-20-2009, 06:37 PM

Your story is very similar to a coworkers. She has 5 children, ages 17, 19, 22, and 2 more older daughters that passed away. Her daughters passed away within 1 year of each other - both from health conditions that were unrelated! I can only imagine how horrible that would be to go through. And now, in addition to her own kids, she also has her grandkids. They range in age from 4 to 11. There are, I think, 4 of them, two from each daughter. Sometimes when she comes in to work, I can just tell that she had a rough evening. Some of her stories are hilarious, and I know she does enjoy the kids, but she was at the point where she was supposed to get to spoil them and then send them back to mom so she could spend time with her husband. She has really turned to her church and church friends to help her get through this. I hope you have found a support system to help you all get through this too.