Need Advice....LONG

Roxy'sNewMom · #1 09-23-2005, 09:32 AM

Well....here is some background on me and this situation. I am 23 and got married last May. My mom died when I was 7. My dad dated a lady named Lisa and she had a daughter named Kaitlyn. Lisa and my dad broke up, and Lisa and I and Kaitlyn sayed close. Lisa is like a mother figure, yet my dad and I have always said noone will take my moms place. Well....when I got married Lisa threw my bridal shower, and helped me with the flowers (she made my bouquets and everything). She helped me set up the reception...everything. Well I asked Kaitlyn to do the Book and she did. I had pictures taken of Lisa and I and Kaitlyn in my dress, and had a special Thanks go to Kaitlyn for doing the book.
Here is my delema: My dad asked me not to let ANYONE see me until I walked down the isle except for my mom's sisters. This was because noone can take my mom's place and threw the whole wedding, my mom was remembered. We did not want anyone to "fill" my mom's place. So it was agreed that Lisa was not to be in the room helping me get ready. Well I never explained this I guess...and here is the email I JUST got (I got married in May!)
It was good to talk to you the other night. I have been playing a low key roll in your life not because I am not thinking of you but because you are just married and I know you have responsibilities with your Dad and enjoy your friends. But I need to share something with you.....I have been struggling with ... I know that it is selfish on my part but I was hurt at your wedding as I was there for you and Katie got to enjoy you in preparing for the wedding. I've pretty much gotten over it now but it has been a road block for me in the last few months. I know she was the closest thing to your mom you have so I totally understand. But since I've been hurt by Kaitlyn a lot in the last year and when that happened I just wondered what in the crap was going on. I know it doesn't sound very good but I was hurt. If you put yourself in my shoes maybe you will understand. I realy do hope that as you are older and maturing more everyday you can rebuild your relationship with your mom's side of the family and have a closness you've never experienced. I want that for you. Family is family no matter what, we all make mistakes. I know they have not treated your dad the best but they also have their side of the story. As you have children the sense of "belonging" will be even more important to you and them. That doesn't mean you have to see them all the time but may be making a lunch date or driving down to see your grandparents would be a good thing. I know as Kaitlyn grows up and goes away I am unsure what my plans will be therefore continue to build relationships that will last a life time. Good friends and family is a must.

So that is what she had to say. Katie is my mom's oldest sister (I lived with her when I was pregnant and giving my child up for adoption). My moms family and my dad DONT get along.

I am sooooooooo upset now, and crying at work. What do I say? What do I do? I'm 23 I have never dealt with this stuff before. I thought she was ok with it, I didn't know I hurt anyone. I feel awful....any advise?
Thanks so much
Shaunna

Roxy'sNewMom · #2 09-23-2005, 10:27 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sgbtab

how long was lisa married to your dad? it sounds like she was the one who was there for you pre teens and teens.

these are the questions you need to ask your self.
was lisa a good step mom?
did she treat you like a daughter?
did she respect your love of your mother?
if you answered yes to these questions then you owe her an apology.
it sounds like your dad did not want her to help you for selfish reasons. because if he was still together with lisa then he would have wanted her there for you.
this is just another persons perspective.

My dad and Lisa were not married. Lisa was artificially impregnated with Kaitlyn it is not my fathers child. Lisa was there for me from about 8 until 12 and then popped back in my life when I was about 17. She was NOT there for me when I got pregnant, or when I gave Tyler up for adoption my aunt was. My aunt was in the delivery room with me when I had him. My aunt has been there through EVERYTHING!
She was an ok mom, we are better friends now than ever....though she was never a "real step mom".
We never got along when dad and her were dating (hints the breakup...BAD breakup), so we didnt get close until recently.
She always respected my mother....always.

I didnt want to hurt her. I just wanted to make EVERYONE happy at my wedding...thats all. Dad and Lisa do NOT get along anymore at all......that is where the delima came in. Dad didnt even want her to have ANYTHING to do with the wedding, I went agianst him in all that. The only wish I respected of his regaurding her, was not to have her in the room when I was getting dressed....this was only an hour of me without her, is that THAT wrong?

My Calla · #3 09-23-2005, 11:25 AM

I agree 100% with Laura....That is your day and you do what makes you happy and what you can live with. I stepped on A LOT of toes on my wedding day, but you know what, I did it the way I wanted it. I wouldn't change one thing about it and guess what, they got over it. Please don't beat yourself up over this. As long as you are happy, that is all that matters.